101 Ways to Torture Simon Cowell
by MyTeenageDream
Summary: The title says it all! 101 things that would annoy the *beep* out of Simon Cowell! Later, there will be a story part of it...After 11 chapters of way to torture Simon...NOTE-I used to be strangerthanfictionclub
1. 1 to 10

101 Ways to Torture Simon Cowell

Some of these ways might be confusing if you haven't seen pretty much every episode of American Idol (or at least Season 8.) So feel free to PM me if you're confused. Enjoy reading the torture methods I came up with! There will be 10 per chapter and 1 for the last chapter.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) Show up at his house every night singing "We're Brothers Forever"

2) Audition for American Idol badly. And bring a karaoke machine.

3) Have Katy Allen do #2. Payback for what he told Kris Michael Jackson week…

4) Ask him if he's dating Paula. When he gets REALLY annoyed, ask about the wedding date.

5) Dress up like a moose for Halloween and go trick-or-treating at his house. Tell him that you're going as him.

6) Force him to perform on American Idol, just like Paula and Kara have. (I'm Just Here For the Music and Kara vs. Bikini Girl)

7) After #6, send him a duet you wrote for him to sing with Paula.

8) Pay Renaldo Lapuz to stalk him.

9) Force him to go to my friend's camp's "American Idol". That way he has to sit through some VERY bad singers and watch them win, while not being able to comment.

10) Make him a judge at my school's karaoke contest. Every school has there…non-talented people. My school's just made up by them…


	2. 11 to 20

Yes, here's more Simon torture!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

11) Send him to Build-A-Bear

12) Give him a Paula Abdul dummy for him birthday.

13) After #4 (sorry for making you look back!) Ask him if it's because he's gay.

14) Make "Save the Moose…or Mooses…Meese?" T-Shirts with his picture on them. Then, make sure they're sold worldwide, or wherever else he's shattered dreams…

15) Buy him a William Hung album for his birthday.

16) Buy him a Miley Cyrus album for his birthday.

17) Buy him a Jonas Brothers album for his birthday.

18) Buy him an iPod that's preloaded with William Hung, the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, and other bad singers…Second thought, maybe not…We want to torture him, not make him deaf or kill him…

19) Force him to listen to his new iPod 5890320990times, or until he starts screaming.

20) After #19, invite Adam to join in.


	3. 21 to 30

Wow…I really have to get a life away from thinking of ways to torture Simon Cowell…Well, I guess it's fun, so…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

21) Stare blankly at him. When he rudely asks if you're okay, blink innocently.

22) Claim to be his distant cousin until he pays you to leave him alone.

23) Sing Passage (the most depressing song ever) to him on American Idol and add his name randomly into the lyrics…

24) Pay Danny Gokey to dance for him.

25) Make a poster and bring it to an American Idol live show. Write things like "Do you REALLY love Paula?" and "Are you REALLY a moose?" Add pictures that "prove" your speculations…

26) Bring tomatoes to an American Idol live show and throw them at him when he criticizes your favorite contestant or something stupid like their outfit.

27) Sing badly to him

28) After #27, ask him if he wants an encore, and keep singing no matter what he says.

28) Make one of Paula's dogs attack him.

29) Make an army of people who have had their dreams shattered by him and make them march around wherever he is screaming things about him being a moose, etc.

30) Show him a website making fun of him.


	4. 31 to 40

…I really have nothing to say for once…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

31) Scream "rice pudding" at him at random times.

32) Show him Kris and Adam playing his quotes when they hosted the AT40.

33) Play the Bad Audition Montage for him. Ah, the memories it will bring back…

34) Ask him if he kept Paula's "gifts" and when he will be turning 7.

35) After #34, read him a children's book.

36) Force him to watch a Hannah Montana marathon.

37) Force him to watch a JONAS marathon.

38) Force him to watch the Disney Channel with a bunch of little kids who will yell at him if he calls the shows crap, or if he says crap at all.

39) For #s 36, 37, and 38, tie him to the chair so he can't run away.

40) Force him to read the dictionary. Then quiz him on it and yell at him when he doesn't know the definition of imbue.


	5. 41 to 50

Yay! I'm almost halfway done! HUGE thanks to An Angel in Darkness, tardislove, and VampireSongWriter for their ideas! I take suggestions!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

41) Meet his family, then say to him, "You're parents are human…Then how are you a moose…"

42) Burst into random fits of uncontrollable laughter.

43) Lock him in a room with three annoying nine year olds and an eleven year old who acts like she's 9.

44) Lock him in a closet with Paula.

45) After #44, open the closet and see if anyone is still alive.

46) Replay Danny screaming for him…again…and again…

47) After a while, make Danny try it again.

48) Send him random pictures of Allison's outfit from Don't Speak.

49) Ask him if he wants chocolate over and over and over and over again until he gets really annoyed or gives in and says yes.

50) After #49, say "So would I…"


	6. 51 to 60

Wow…I'm doing really well… Please, if you want me to get to the story part soon, please give me suggestions. Look at everything I've written before, this story and others. Most of it is from suggestions, advice or…I can't think of anything else… Also, don't expect ANY updates next week. I will be away from a computer, but I will probably have Wi-Fi via iTouch or DSi… Also, I'll end my rambling by thanking EO4EVER and AllisonIraheta'sAwesomeFan.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

51) Put speakers in his pocket and hold on to the remote. Turn on I Kissed a Girl on randomly and then say, "Oh my God! Really? What are you going to say to Paula? I'll tell her that you're not gay!"

52) Listen to the song The News by Jack Johnson with him, and then ask him, "Yeah Simon, why don't the newscasters cry?"

53- Make him listen to Paula ramble.

54- Make him listen to Paula's CD.

55- Make him listen to me try to sing a song without words…

56- Burst in to random songs at the worst time possible.

57- Make him listen to me trying to play guitar and failing miserably

58- Match him with Paula on a dating website.

59- Randomly poke him.

60- Play clips of Tatiana laughing for him.


	7. 61 to 70

HUGE thanks to An Angel in Darkness, TheFreakyMathChick and EO4EVER for the ideas!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

61- Send him to a strip club with Adam.

62- For #61, make sure Adam came with 10 pounds of crack and 6 cases of beer.

63- After # 62, break the elevator that they're in, so all they have to "survive" are the beer and crack.

64- Replay the clip of his kissing Paula on American Idol.

65- After #64, ask him why he broke up with his girlfriend.

66- After he says nothing for #65, ask, "Is it because of Paula?"

67- Tell him you're part of the World Wildlife Foundation, and when he says, "Why should I care?" reply, "I'm supposed to save your species!"

68- Make him listen to all of the bad songs on my iPod, like really annoying ones from my dance studio that have words that you can't figure out or aren't in English…or any other known language...

69- Have Paula and Adam do his makeup for a live show.

70- After #69, have Paula yell "That's for the moustache!" at him.


	8. 71 to 80

I'm back! Huge thanks to some of my friends who really helped me with this chapter and probably the next one too…YOU ROX EMMA AND CURRAN!!!!! On to the torture methods…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

71- Say he's right even when he's wrong and give all the reasons he's right.

72- Say he's wrong even when he's right and give all the reasons he's wrong.

73- Play with his hair.

74- After #73, put bows in his hair.

75- After #73 and #74, put "hair gel" (ice cream) in his hair.

76- Start throwing a temper tantrum like an annoying little kid.

77- Interrupt him constantly.

78- Force him to give you a piggyback ride.

79- Threaten to run over him with orange juice trucks.

80- Make him dance to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun".


	9. 81 to 90

BLAH!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

81- Lock him in a room with nothing but Adam's Rolling Stone pictures.

82- Lock him in a room with nothing but a karaoke machine and William Hung.

83- Set him up on a blind date leading him to a McDonalds and William Hung.

84- Set him up on a blind date leading him to a Burger King and Sanjaya in a dress.

85- Set him up on a blind date leading him to a Wendy's and Adam.

86- Set him up on a blind date leading him to a romantic restaurant and Paula.

87- Yell at him for random things.

88- Ask him why. Again. And again. And again.

89- Make him listen to a little kid rant about dental health at random times.

90- Make him read _Seventeen_.


	10. 91 to 100

Okay, I just want to say first that I am so FREAKIN' mad at the producers of Idol! I can't believe Paula's not coming back because some MORONS wouldn't give her some more money, while Ryan's getting $30 million, and Simon's getting $45 million! They wouldn't even give her $12 million, from her $4 million! This chapter is dedicated to Paula. GRRRRR!! Those evil…dumbass…moronic…*goes on cursing Idol producers for hours* Okay, thanks EO4Ever and…I'm sorry, I think I'm forgetting someone else…If it's you, PM me and I'll add you…REALLY sorry! Just in a bad mood…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

91- Make him go to a baseball game with an American Idol singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"…William Hung…When he asks why William Hung is being allowed anywhere near a microphone, tell him David Cook got sick, and this was the closest they could get to an Idol last minute.

92- Ask him "Why do you always fight with Paula"

93- After #92, say "Oh…no wonder she left…"

94- Send him toys for little kids with a note that says "To-6 year old From-Paula"

95- Every time he asks a question, burst into song to answer.

96- For #95, sing VERY BADLY.

97- Throw a karaoke party for his birthday, and invite William Hung, Renaldo Lapuz, some mooses, and other American Idol rejects.

98- Make him read Saula FanFiction.

99- Talk about his and Paula's chemistry.

100- Rant about Kradam to him.


	11. 101!

Well, I guess I'm done…Don't cry though! There's a story! *hops up and down clapping*So, for way 101…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

101- Make him read 101 Ways to Torture Simon Cowell.


	12. Torturing Simon Part 1

Okay, so here's the story part! Sorry it took so long. I had trouble thinking of something…I think this sucked and I rambled a lot, but it'll get better…hopefully…Anyway, try to enjoy this crap…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kris- Hm…What's with this piece of paper…

Adam- Ooh! Maybe its money!

Allison- I doubt that idiot…

Adam- Well then…

Danny- What IS it?

Lila- It's a list…101 Ways to Torture Simon Cowell…

Adam- Cool! We SO should try them…

Allison- Yeah…some of these are so funny…and random mixed with stupid…

Kris- Sure…so are we really going to try these ALL on him?

Lila- Hm…probably not…I don't think we should do ALL of these…I mean the first one…Go to his house every night singing "We're Brothers Forever"…We don't want a repeat of the Renaldo Lapuz incident…*

Danny- Yeah…Bad times, bad times…

Kris- Yeah…Hm…maybe this one…*picks up phone* Yeah Katy? Can you…No…I just want you to audition for American Idol badly and bring a karaoke machine…Why not? You can get revenge for what he said Michael Jackson week…You don't care about that…You don't care at all about-WHAT?!? *hangs up* Never mind…Let's use one that doesn't involve that-

Lila- Vampire?

Kris- Well, I was going to say "bitch", but maybe…At least I can be with the love of my life now! *kisses Adam*

Allison- Adam, did you leave your crack out where Kris could take it again?

Adam- No…

(Everyone gives Adam a look)

Adam- So what if I did? I don't care! He finally loves me back! *Kisses Kris*

Lila- …okay then…Let's try #4…ooh! #13 goes with it GREAT!

Danny- Um…why are you looking at ME?

Lila- Because Kris and Adam left to do things and Allison's outside looking for a stick to beat Adam up with…*Yelling outside* I DON'T THINK THE STICK WILL DO MUCH…TRY THE WHIP OR THE CHAINSAW…

Allison- THANKS!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Danny- Um…Lila, you really didn't have to do this…

Lila- I know, but…

Danny- I'm scared…What if he says yes…then what do I say?

Lila- You congratulate him and still ask about it…

Danny- And another thing…what if he recognizes me?

Lila- *sigh* Danny, you're wearing a wig and colored contacts…

Danny- Yeah…about the contacts…What if they fall out? They're pretty annoying…That's why I wear glasses…

Lila- Yeah…All 50something pairs…Just go… *pushes Danny*

Danny- Hey, Cowell, is it true you're dating Paula Abdul?

Simon- Whatever…go away…

Danny- So is that a yes?

Simon- No.

Danny- So no, that's a yes, or no, that's a no, or maybe-

Simon- Get lost!

Danny- When's the wedding?

Simon- GET LOST!

Danny- Is it because you're gay?

(Simon charges at Danny just as he's about to beat the Hell out of him, Paula walks in.)

Paula- SIMON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THIS GUY WHO I DO NOT RECOGNIZE BUT STILL FIND AMAZINGLY CUTE?!?

Simon- Um…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lila- Well that was fun! We HAVE to do more…

Danny- Fun?!? Seriously?!?

Allison- Well it sounded fun…too bad I was busy dealing with dumb and dumbass over here…

Adam- I call dumbass!

Allison- Good cauz it was intended for YOU! You know, I'm done chasing you bitches around…

Adam- Whatever you say Allie! C'mon Kris! Let's go-

Lila- Let's go before I heard things I could live without hearing…

(The three go into another room)

Danny- Well that was…disturbing…

Allison- Tell me about it…I didn't get to torture Simon today now did I?!?

Danny- No…

Lila- Well you can come tomorrow when we…*reading list* Pay Renaldo Lapuz to stalk him?

Danny- Didn't we already say that we didn't want a repeat of it?

Allison- Yeah…

Lila- Okay! Um…I'll call Angel for this one…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lila- Hey Simon, can you do me a favor?

Simon- No.

Lila- Why not?

Simon- What have you ever done for me?

Lila- Um…

(Allison and Danny are in a vent)

Danny- *whispers* It's not working…

Allison- *whispers back* Thank you Captain Obvious…Oops…*drops ice cream cone that she, for some odd reason, insisted on bringing into vent*

Lila- SIMON! *grabs ice cream cone that is about to hit Simon dramatically as if it is an overpriced vase*

Danny- Idiot! I told you not to take your ice cream into the vent!

Simon- Thank you for saving my shirt from that ice cream! It's my favorite shirt! I only have 50 of them…

Lila- Okay, so will you help me now…

Simon- Sure…what do you want?

Lila- Well, every year, my friend's camp has an American Idol contest, and I'd like you to come…

Simon- To judge?

Lila- Er, no…You can't really comment at all…They're little kids…I was thinking more…support…

Simon- Ugh…little kids and being supportive…My two LEAST favorite things…after Pauler…

Lila- I thought you loved her?

Simon- Well-

Lila- I think she'd love you if you did this…

Simon- Fine…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lila- Angel I got him!

Angel- Sweet!

Simon- Hello, are you a counselor here?

Angel- Me? No, I'm supposed to be a camper…My parents hate me…

Simon- Okay then…

Lila- Seriously? You're STILL stuck here listening to these people who hate your Paramore shirt because it has bad language, even though the worst thing on it's "I love you" and even if it said something, you'd never be able to read it?!?

Angel- Yeah…

Lila- Seriously?!? You're older than half the counselors…

Angel- Hey, I told you, my parents hate me…

Lila- And you haven't move out…Why?

Angel- …I don't know…Oh yeah, I DON'T HAVE MONEY!

Lila- Get a job.

Angel- Hm…Good point…*puts on Paramore shirt*

Old Lady- Angel! We've told you before, you can't wear that shirt in front of the kids! It's not appropriate!

Angel- Oh what are you going to do, kick me out? I'd WANT that!

Old Lady- Well, you'll miss our special guest!

Angel- Really? Because last time I checked, I arranged this!

Lila- Actually, I did…Anyway, Angel, you can move in with me…At least until you move somewhere else…You can help us…*whispers* Torture Simon…

Angel- Ooh ! Torturing people! My favorite!

Lila- Yeah…

Angel- Oh, and is Danny there?

Lila- Yeah…

Angel- Then I'm never moving out.

Lila- Great…

Simon- So when are we going to start this?

Lila- Okay…NOW!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Simon- That was worse than the Season 3 auditions when William Hung killed "She Bop"…

Angel- Oh, trust me, it's been worse…

Lila- Yeah, one year she sang "Renegade"…

Angel- Shut up!

Simon- Well THAT was probably better…Those kids should do a song with William Hung…For once, he'll be the best in the group…

Angel- Hey, you're forgetting Miley Cyrus…

Simon- Sure…

*See Bothers Forever


	13. Torturing Simon Part 2

Sorry this took so long…Blah…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Allison- So what should we do next to torture Simon? Make a Paula dummy? Send him to Build-a-Bear? Come ON! I NEED to know these things!

Lila- Hm…#18-20 look good…

Danny- But wouldn't that be pretty expensive…

Lila- Yeah, but his expression will be priceless. Danny, give my 5 bucks.

Danny- *takes out $5* I don't think this will cover it…

Lila- I know. I just needed $5…

Angel- GOOOOOOOOOOOKKEEEEEEYYY!!!!!!!!

Danny- Um, hi…*to Lila* Is your friend okay?

Lila- Nope. Not since 2009. For 2 reasons. One of them being, I've only known her since then…

Danny- Okay then…

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Simon's house. Simon is sleeping, while Lila, Allison, Danny, Angel, and Kradam wait for him to wake up)

Adam- He's waking up!

Angel- Adam, he was asleep. Not in a coma.

Lila- Shut up…

All- HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIMON!!!!!!!!!

Simon- Ugh…what are you people doing here? And it's not my birthday…

Angel- Oh…well we got you a gift!

Simon- Ugh…Oh…an iPod…Great…goodbye-

Angel- Don't ya want to listen to it?

Simon- Hm…no.

Angel- Just shuffle songs!

Simon- Ugh FINE! If it shuts you up…Oh…my…GOD

Adam- *whispers to Kris* What did he put on?

Kris- I don't know!

Simon- Its kinda…catchy…In a scary…sad…disturbing way…I AM YOUR BROTHER! YOUR BEST FRIEND FOREVER!

Angel- *joining in* SINGING THE SONGS, THE MUSIC THAT YOU LIIIKKKKKEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Allison- Oh God…

Adam- Kris! They should play this at our wedding! Ooh! We should invite Renaldo Lapuz!

Allison- Is he still on crap?

Adam, Kris, Lila, and Angel- Crack.

Simon- Oh CRAP! This singer is TERRIBLE! Ugh, how do I skip this song…I suck at working these…

Angel- Ooh! Pick me! You do…this…*changes song*

Danny- *whispers to Angel* What did you put on?

Angel- William Hung. And by the way, Hannah Montana was playing before…

Lila- Good to know…

Simon- NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! *screams*

Adam- Yay! My turn! *screams*

(The two continue screaming as the others leave the room, except for Kris, who is cheering for his Cuddle...Bear…)

Lila- Well that was fun…

Danny- I think Simon's been tortured enough for one day…

Angel- Yeah…I don't know many people over 6 who can handle THAT much Hannah Montana…I mean, I turned it off, like, IMMEDIATELY, but 30 seconds is more than enough…

Allison- Agreed.

Lila- Definitely


End file.
